I'm sorry my penis didn't work
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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