She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
