omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
