i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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