I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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