I'm passing your future prison.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
