he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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