I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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