***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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