I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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