New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The power of my boobs compel you
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
