I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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