I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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