11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
