Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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