it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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