My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
