Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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