I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
