i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
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I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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