the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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