brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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