I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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