Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
