My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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