she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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