the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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