so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.