I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
