I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
