Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
