the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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