he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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