You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry my hands just texted you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
