toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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