Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize