Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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