my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
