Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
