Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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