i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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