its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
