every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
