If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
