Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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