I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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