I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
