It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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