I am puke
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
