but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize