Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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