if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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