I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
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I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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