Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
