just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
